Casey’s Functional Medicine Journey
Casey Reames, our Client Concierge, was inspired through all of the success that she saw around the workplace. She wanted the same for herself. Realizing it was finally time to focus on herself, she became a client (while holding her same position) to experience first-hand what it was like to work with a functional medicine provider.
Follow along as she documents her first year as a client of our concierge functional medicine clinic in Charlotte, NC. She shares the ups and downs that she experienced, while pursuing change and positive transformations to her health.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a client at Companion Health, take a look at her perspective. Sit back with a cup of your favorite warm beverage; we hope you enjoy sharing in her story.
Part I: The Beginning: Getting Started with Companion Health, a Concierge Functional Medicine Clinic
As I was presented with this opportunity and thinking through whether or not this was something I wanted to share publicly, I kept having the thought that the more people who have shared their specific life experiences with me, the more I could relate to them, and the less I felt alone in my own experiences and struggles. I kept coming back to practicing what I preach, which is not just sharing vulnerably, but also with transparency.
Indulge me for a moment while I define what each of those words mean to me:
When I think of vulnerability, I tend to think of happy endings. You share your struggle, but in the end it’s all tied up with a bow and includes how everything worked out, how you learned something, or how you made it through. I fully believe vulnerability is imperative and is a part of sharing your story up until the present moment you are in now.
When I think of transparency, I think of right now. What is currently happening in the present moment —the mess, the unfinished, and the still being written.Transparency is uncomfortable; it shines a light on the realness of life. That things might not work out, there might not be much progress in the current moment, or that you can feel hopelessness from a recent setback.
You say the word “hopeless” and most people have a visceral, even physical reaction. But I believe this is because we can relate and feel uncomfortable with facing the questions: “is this as good as it gets,” “will it ever get better,” “is it too late?”. These are the questions I have been asking myself, while also pondering if I would be willing to let others into that inner world.
My goal with sharing my journey is to hold both vulnerability and transparency loosely in my hands. I want to be honest and share in the difficulty in getting here, being here, and not knowing what is coming next. It is a level of accountability that I have never experienced and I know I will not do perfectly (as much as the perfectionist in me wants to promise that…but more on perfection later).
I ask for grace while I figure it out, through trial and error, with steps forward and steps backwards.
I invite you to share the present with me while I work to change my outlook on the future. To choose to show up, transparent, imperfect, and hesitant yet hopeful. Sharing in my fear of wanting this along with the fear that it may not all work out. My fear of actually getting what I want and what I deserve.
I have found too much comfort in the devil I know versus the unknown, which could very well be actual happiness and fulfillment.
It might sound strange to be scared of being happy, but when you are used to operating in a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mindset, actually getting what you want feels terrifying.
Having something worth having, and then if lost, would be devastating.
Hope feels like a luxury afforded to the lucky ones. I have never felt like a lucky one when it comes to my health.
For some background, I have done a lot of inner work over the years. I have an intense fascination with why people are the way they are, the inner world we all live in, and the connection to mind and body. I have done the internal mind work and now it is time to do the “body” work.
My mind and body have been disconnected for years and my goal is to have peace and harmony in both. My body is my home and it is time to take care of myself in that way.
I want to feel at peace and to be able to trust myself again. It is hard to say definitive statements like “I deserve this,” “I need this,” or “I want this,” but if I am honest with myself, I know those statements to be true. The critics in my head try to counteract this with feelings of shame, tell me that I’m being selfish, indulgent, or even that it’s too late to try. However, I don’t want to live another lap around the sun wondering where I would be if I had just tried.
I am trying to befriend myself again and treat myself as a whole, as a companion, and not the stranger I have been at odds with. I have fear that I will be both too much and not enough through this. That my issues are unique only to me and that my goal to be relatable and to connect will fall short. These are lies, but I share them nonetheless because this is part of my practice of transparency.
I know I will have days of elation and victory, and days that I will want to give up and eat the real and metaphorical bag of emotional support shredded cheese, standing in the bright light of my fridge.
I also hope to bring a level of humor to the weird and uncomfortable conversations (spoiler alert: I will have to poop into a cup and share those results…)!
My commitment to you (and me) is this: vulnerability and transparency. Because at the end of the day, I believe we all have way more in common than we don’t, and I hope I leave you feeling the same way.
Thank you for making it to the end of my words and for any level of support you offer me on the way. I am excited, nervous, hesitant, and grateful. And yes, all of those things can be true at one time.
Current goals: pursuing health in all aspects, mind, body, and spirit. To be at peace within myself, gain back self trust, and ultimately show myself the love that I give to others, and deserve to feel towards myself. To conquer the fear of trying, looking stupid, and being scared but doing it anyways. To look at myself in the mirror and know that I can confidently say I am giving my all and not settling for less.
I will leave you with my current mantra through this experience: I am worthy, and I am turning my anxiety into excitement.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Slightly overwhelmed, but cautiously optimistic about getting started.
Favorite moment from experience: The support and genuine excitement from the Companion Health team.
Something I am currently loving: The idea that someone could relate to my story and join me on the journey.
Part II: The Initial Assessment
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Leading into my initial assessment at Companion Health, a concierge functional medicine clinic in Charlotte:
I had so many thoughts of where to even begin. I would think of something I wanted to address during my initial assessment, which would lead me down a bunny trail, which would lead to another, and another, and … you get the point. I have not been feeling “good” for a long time, but what was eye opening to me was that this feeling of not being at my best has been going on a lot longer than I wanted to admit to myself.
I started to realize I have been at odds with how I physically feel since I was 13 years old (I’ll let you figure out the math on that, but it’s a long time). I think most people can relate to having symptoms, searching and hoping for more, and then giving up on that hope after being dismissed by those who are supposed to help. It is difficult to be your own advocate when you feel like no one is taking you seriously and knowing that you are just a name on a patient chart that was glanced at for less than a minute.
The more time goes on, the less fight you have, and the less hope you have to fuel you. You begin to feel silly for even pursuing “more” when from the outside everything seems “fine.” Feelings of shame come in, and you begin to settle into feeling less than you should and before you realize, the bad becomes your new normal and over the years the bar has been lowered to an unrecognizable low. Change in this way is sneaky because it happens gradually until you wake up one day and don’t even know how you got to this point.
I finally woke up and smacked my head against the pavement only last year. I was stressed, in survival mode, burnt out, not present with myself, numb, disconnected, and to be honest, purposefully in denial. I no longer recognized myself and could not remember the last time that I did. I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and had allowed my choices and lifestyle to become a crutch.
I had eliminated accountability with others and also with myself. Even accountability with things as simple as refusing to look in mirrors or at photographs of myself so that I could remain in the false safety of denial, had fully taken over my life. I reached a point where I could no longer hide and I decided to plant a small seed of hope within myself, the simple statement/seed of “you deserve better.”
Flash forward to a year later, I had started to implement change in life in the ways that I could control. This began with a gentle confrontation of accepting where I was currently and slowly coming to the surface of reality. This was really hard. When you no longer recognize who you are, meeting yourself in the present moment brings feelings of shock, shame, confusion, disappointment, and overwhelm. I knew that I would have to do things gradually and meet myself with grace. That little seed I had planted, a small whisper to myself, “you deserve better,” to keep coming back to that whenever I want to give up. I needed to have peace with where I was currently at (even if it was not yet where I wanted to be).
One of the first things I did to confront the current version of myself was get rid of my “skinny mirror.” If you have never experienced a skinny mirror, let me explain. There are mirrors out there that with some sort of mystical power they make you look thinner than you are. There may be science to this but in my mind, it is “magic.” This particular magic for me came in the form of a $15 mirror bought at Target when I first moved into my college dorm. I discovered this mirror made me look thinner than other mirrors and I was hooked. Over the years I became obsessed with this mirror.
I began to do the majority of my shopping online so that I could only see what clothes looked like in the “skinny mirror.” I started avoiding all other full body mirrors because they would contradict what I wanted to see in the “skinny mirror.” Every new apartment move I made, the “skinny mirror” was handled like my most prized possession (and to be clear, it was). I would make jokes that the “skinny mirror” was responsible for my self esteem (it was). But really the joke was on me because all these little choices led me down a path of denial and ultimately self hatred, because when I would see evidence contradicting the perfectly curated version of myself that I would let myself see, it felt devastating. How could I let myself go like this? How long has this actually been my reality? How can I even move forward? These thoughts would send me into a spiral and ruminate in my mind.
So I bought a new mirror. From the outside it looked like I was finally upgrading from the dinky over the door cheap Target mirror to something that actually aesthetically went with my home. But on the inside this was one of the bravest things I have ever done for myself. I completely eliminated the comfort zone – confronted my present and accepted. By accept I mean that I could not move forward until I fully saw where I currently was. No more illusions, no more denying, no more “magic.” I got rid of the “skinny mirror” a month before my initial assessment. I tell you this because this was the final step in preparing myself for the journey of no longer accepting less and stepping out into the unknown of what was next.
The days leading up to my initial assessment were ones of reflection, trying to piece together when everything started to “go wrong,” asking questions “when did I last feel my best,” “what am I hoping for,” “what are my goals?” I answered my health history questionnaire (if you have not been a client with Companion Health yet, all individuals fill this out prior to their first appointment) with as much honesty as I could muster. I may or may not have put my greatest fear being that I would become “a crunchy granola health person.” I went into my initial assessment with the promise to myself of being vulnerable and transparent. Wanting to share any and all important information no matter how uncomfortable I felt.
I am thrilled that I can say that my assessment was anything but uncomfortable. There were moments that were out of my comfort zone, the hardest moment being weighing myself on the scale (something that I have not done in years). When I admitted this, I was met with kindness and warmth. There was no judgment or questioning, and I felt comfortable to say what hadn’t been said out loud, especially in a medical setting. It was obvious to me that I was being seen as a whole person and was being met with empathy and genuine care. This was different from any other experience I have had in a medical setting.
I felt that I had the space and time to ask things that I have always wanted to ask. There were no dumb questions, and to those questions, there were genuine answers and explanations. I felt included in the plan. That there was a medical/professional purpose to the plan moving forward, but also that my thoughts, feelings, and concerns were being taken into consideration.
I am a visual learner and even having a drawing of the hierarchy of physical needs being drawn out for me was enlightening. Anya met me where I was and made sure I understood what the next steps were and the “why.” The “why” is important to me. I was not being asked to blindly follow and not question. I felt supported in becoming an advocate for myself and understanding why things had to happen in a particular order and how it was all connected for my ultimate goals.
After leaving this hour-and-a-half assessment, I feel cautiously optimistic about the future. This feels like the deep breath in before a dive. I know I will have to make sacrifices and adjustments in my lifestyle, but I feel like I not only understand the “why,” but I can align myself with that purpose. I am anxious about hard days to come, the days when I will have to make choices and put in more effort than I have been, but I know I will be doing this with support.
The next steps have been kindly and clearly laid out for me, one of those being a GI Map. I understand and respect the pursuit of data, to base future decisions off of and to be used to contribute towards my ultimate goals. I am being set up with a health coach to help implement lifestyle changes and to offer further support along my journey. I felt included in the decision of who Anya felt would be the best fit for me, and assured that I could go to Anya at any time should I have any concerns about the health coaching process. To be considered and still have control/say is important to me, and throughout my experience I felt just that.
This is my choice, my journey, and I will be supported on multiple levels throughout.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Anxious about doing the GI Map, nervous about those results. The beginning feeling of hope.
Favorite moment from experience: The fact that Anya laughed when she read that I don’t want this experience to turn me into a crunchy granola person.
Something I am currently loving: That I know that I will not be doing this alone or without support. That everyone has a good sense of humor about everything.
Part III: The Gut Test (GI Map Test)
So I had to poop in a cup…if that doesn’t grab your attention then I don’t know what will!
I can remember reading the book Everyone Poops “as a child.” My family was not particularly shy about the subject in general, but mostly through potty humor (admittedly I do have the same sense of humor as a 12 year old boy). And yes, although my family was not shy about the subject, they were uneducated on the subject for sure. It was not something that I ever considered part of “general health” or a way for your body to communicate with you…and well, I’ve recently learned that my body has been trying to communicate with me for a long time.
I have had off and on bouts with diarrhea (yes, we’re going there), bloating, and stomach issues for years…years! I had mostly attributed this to stress until it was no longer linked to just stressful times. When I mentioned in my previous post how lows became my new baseline, this is one of those areas. I had become used to the unpredictability of loose stools, uncomfortable bloating, stomach pain, brain fog after eating, and feeling lethargic.
Control is my drug of choice. I have worked hard to become less of a control freak and to hold things loosely in my hands, but it is an ever evolving work in progress. Not having control over how I physically felt each day was and has been maddening. I am a problem solver to my core – I enjoy the entire process of researching, talking things through, learning, and thinking creatively. To not be able to figure out what was making me feel downright awful all the time and with no predictability, has been frustrating to say the least.
I tried so many things. I even went completely dairy free for 1 year to no avail. My symptoms remained the same, despite the assumption that removing dairy from my diet would solve all my problems. Did I feel 15% better when I didn’t eat dairy? Sure. But that percentage wasn’t enough for me to feel like the problem was solved. This felt like such a sacrifice and adjustment to settle for just 15% better…so I gave up. The thought of making large lifestyle changes for minimal results put me into an apathetic state. I still didn’t have control and if I couldn’t have control, it felt easier to numb out and “not care.” So I did.
Fast forward to my initial assessment. As I shared my hopes and goals with Anya, I assumed the first thing that would need to be addressed was my hormones (PMS symptoms, my age, acne, etc.) but I was surprised when she said she wanted to focus on gut health first. I had heard the phrase “second brain” (I mean, it’s all over TikTok), but had not had it explained to me before or been given the “why” gut health should take top priority. And while I love getting info from TikTok (tell me I’m not alone?!), my full trust is being given to the experts:
“The gastrointestinal system, ‘the gut’ for short, has something called the enteric nervous system that acts to regulate the gut functions and communicates with the big brain in our skull,” explains Anya Wallace, PA-C “The enteric nervous system is also known as the ‘second brain’. You know that feeling in your gut when you’re nervous or anxious? Yep, your second brain did that. Whenever something in the gut is amiss, signals are going back and forth between the brain and your gut which leads to downstream effects in the body. If your gut is angry, you won’t get the nutrients your body needs, you won’t metabolize hormones correctly, and your mood will be affected because your neurotransmitters aren’t being produced correctly. (~95% of your serotonin and ~50% of your dopamine is produced in your gut!).”
After my initial assessment, I was given a kit with verbal and written instructions on how to collect a sample for my GI Map test (aka poop in a paper tray). As our nurse Stevie loves to say, “you will never look at a hot dog container the same ever again” (IYKYK). This was my first foray into functional diagnostic testing!
I then started to stress on when would be the best time to complete “my first assignment.” However, it’s not all that complicated and even though it is something I never envisioned doing, let alone writing publicly about, it was like any other afternoon and a blip on the map of life. The hot dog thing though, that will stick around in my memory forever (like I said, humor of a 12 year old boy).
I am hopeful that this unique experience will give us clues into the ultimate problem to solve: my health. The gut is the foundation for us to build upon, and it feels good to finally have a direction in which to head when I have been aimlessly wandering for so long.
I am also anxious about the results. I am nervous to hear news that could force me to make major changes to my current lifestyle, and I say “force” because I will no longer be able to claim ignorance to the root of my problems. I will actually have the data to back things up with, and ultimately, I know it is in my best interest to implement this new information. I am repeating to myself that “knowledge is power” and that change is not an “if” but a “when.” At least this change I will have control of – I deserve better and I am choosing to pursue better.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Anxious about GI map results but excited to start building momentum forward.
Favorite moment from experience: The hot dog container and telling all my friends about the GI Map experience.
Something I am currently loving: The last few days of blissful ignorance and eating gluten/dairy.
Part IV: Results of The Stool Test
Before my appointment to review my GI Map with Anya, I was feeling a little on edge about the results. I felt like I was back in school waiting to be handed back a grade for a test that I didn’t study for. Through this anxiety, I have realized that I have a lot of “fear of the unknown” wrapped up in my medical experiences. Fear that I’ll find out something terrible about my health that would monumentally alter my life. Fear that all the years of not taking care of myself and not regularly going to the doctor had finally caught up with me (and now it was too late). Fear that there would be no answers or that I would just be told the same things I’ve always been told.
So much fear… I’ll unpack the exact source of all of these fears another time but this did make me realize that I have been using the “ignorance is bliss” mantra for too long, and it was time to face reality.
Whatever my worst case scenario imagination could come up with, or the most likely scenario of I just might need to stop eating so much cheese…I do believe it is always better to know. Ignorance has not been offering me peace, because it gnaws at me to not know. Even if you receive “bad” information, it is still better knowing where you currently are because this knowledge moves you in a direction instead of remaining stuck.
In this process, I am challenging myself to remain present and look for joy in the ordinary moments and small rituals that bring comfort. Ignoring the bad also means ignoring the good, and though it might seem easier to ignore and numb out, it means missing out on joy too. I do not want to play life safe and miss out on the best parts, mess and all.
To help ease my anxiety leading into this appointment, I had my health coach Stevie sit in on my GI Map review. This offered me comfort knowing someone else would be there to help listen and take in all the information. As thoroughly as Anya has explained everything to me thus far, it’s all still a lot to take in and I knew I would have a lot of questions. This made me feel like it was a team event and everyone had an integral role to play (myself included).
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As it was explained to me, the results are this: my gut health was not as bad as Anya thought it was going to be. So this means further investigation into other reasons as to why foods have been making me feel so physically uncomfortable. I was not getting an A+ grade by any means, but it was a relief to hear that at least some of my efforts to eat well weren’t completely a loss. I do genuinely eat a lot of vegetables and apparently that counted for something!
Anya mentioned that some of my discomfort immediately after eating could have more to do with my gallbladder (which I’m embarrassed to admit that I had no idea your gallbladder had anything to do with digestion). The term that was used was “sluggy sluggish” (my favorite terms of endearment btw), and that my sluggy gallbladder may have trouble helping to process fat. I was then prescribed a supplement regimen to take for the next 6 weeks, along with a powder to drink that I was warned tastes terrible (spoiler alert: it does taste terrible).
To say that I left my appointment feeling relieved is an understatement. I had things to work on and did not have all the answers yet, but this felt like momentum in taking action. I might not currently see the light at the end of the tunnel, but for the first time in a long time I believe it’s there.
So where are we now? Although my gut health is not at catastrophic levels, I still have inflammation that Anya would like to see go down. How will we accomplish this? Through my greatest fear: being dairy and gluten free — stay tuned for more on this!
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Annoyed that I have to go gluten and dairy free.
Favorite moment from experience: Having the time and space to ask all the questions.
Something I am currently loving: Looking for ordinary joy moments, trying to romanticize my life.
Part V: What Does it Look Like to Work With a Health Coach?
I did not really know what to expect when it came to health coaching, but I imagined something along the lines of “this is when the restriction comes in.” I come from a sports world where the coach is the dictator and you do not question what they tell you to do, you just do it. I figured I would be given a set of rules and expectations that I would need to follow and that all the coach would be doing is holding me accountable to those expectations. I understand this sounds extreme and kind of negative, but that was the type of coaching I have always experienced. There is a goal, the steps to achieving the goal, and there is no collaborating on how to get there.
My fears leading up to my first health coaching session were this: I was fearful that I would need to filter myself and just say “yes sir/no sir” and go along with whatever plan was placed in front of me. I was fearful to expose the not carefully curated “perfect” version of myself to someone new, especially someone who would become privy to sensitive health information about me. I was fearful that there was nowhere to hide, full blown honesty. And I was also fearful and anxious about how I would react to that immediate intimacy with someone. As much as I try to practice what I preach about vulnerability and transparency, in full transparency: I’m scared.
Safe spaces and soft places to land: This is how I describe the inner circle of people in my life. People who meet you with kindness, support, and gentle truth. These are the people you can be your flawed, transparent, raw, vulnerable, and real self with. Turns out, a health coach feels similar. This really surprised me. I was surprised at the focus on my “whole self;” where I was currently at, how I was feeling, and what I needed at the moment. I had the space to talk about my unhealthy relationship with food and how counting calories would be triggering for me. How I needed to feel like lifestyle adjustments were not a punishment, but a conscious choice and would have gradual implementation. The focus on mental health and making sure I was checking in with myself. But most importantly though, that I would be accountable to my motives. This was my biggest “ask.” I needed to be accountable to my motives, to make sure that I am doing this for myself and no one else, regardless of outside pressures. I needed an advocate to come beside me and stand between the gap of the medical physician and me.
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“I’ve got your back” was one of the first things my health coach said to me during our first health coaching session together, and I really needed to hear her say that. I am great at advocating for other people, but I struggle to stand up and/or fight for myself. This is an ongoing issue I have of dismissing myself and not validating my own needs. A fear of being too much or being a burden. I felt not only validated by Stevie but I felt that she met me where I was at. Human to human, she met me with vulnerability by giving me a glimpse into her world, showing me that she was not perfect and had no expectations of me being perfect either. The quote that rings in my mind that Stevie said is “1% better everyday.” That I can do!
I would equate health coaching at Companion Health to be the combination of the following: mentor, guide, sounding board, advocate, accountability partner, and teammate. As I mentioned, I come from a sports background and I know how important it is to have teammates you can count on. You truly cannot accomplish anything without support. That is what health coaching has felt like so far. A collaboration on how to reach the ultimate goals and a safe place to land during the steps forward and back.
I feel confident in the small changes that Stevie and I collaborated on, and have been able to gradually implement them into my life. When I say “small changes” I really mean adjustments. Some of these include: not eating meals while watching TV so I can be present with myself, taking walks with friends, and waking up 15 minutes earlier so I don’t feel rushed and frazzled in the morning. Though these things may not seem monumental, I have noticed the changes in my mindset and the easing of the tension between the life I want and the life I am currently living. I can not expect myself to change overnight, and it is a relief that no one expects me to either.
I am looking forward to the future when I can proudly appreciate the “small” adjustments I’ve made and can feel they are just a routine in how I approach my life. I have moments of doubt or wanting instant gratification but what coaching has helped affirm is this is how change is sustainable and how results will remain. No quick fixes, day by day, 1% better and closer to my ultimate goal: improving my health.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: A little raw from bringing up past/current issues with food and being reminded how that all started. But feeling hopeful that I can come to a better place with that.
Favorite moment from experience: Being met with vulnerability from Stevie and seeing the confident hope she has in me.
Something I am currently loving: Going on walks with friends, the beauty of connecting while also doing something that is beneficial for our health.
Part VI: Going Gluten- and Dairy-Free
A Backstory on My Relationship with Food
I don’t think I’ve ever had a healthy relationship with food. I moved multiple times growing up, but one thing that was always consistent was the hand-painted plaque that hung in every kitchen/home my family lived in. On this plaque was the statement, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. The message was surrounded by sunflowers (as if this was a cheery saying). The message to me was clear though, and it was this: that I needed to be skinny.
My goal in sharing some of my childhood memories and experiences is not to rag on my family, or to blame them for all of my adult problems, but to hopefully expose the original source and unpack from there. I feel it is necessary to say that we are all trying our best and I know that their intentions were not to cause harm.
As early as I can remember, I have been obsessed with food both positively and negatively. The positive in this would be that food is how my family shows love. All life events are marked with favorite and special meals. We believe in food being an experience, an indulgence, and an appreciation of it as an art form. Food is a major bonding point for my family. We love discussing, breaking down meals, taking it all in, and spending time together doing that. I come from a long line of amazing cooks and bakers, and some of my fondest memories are cooking with and learning from different members of my family. This, I believe, is the beautiful side of food, a sharing of an experience with others.
While I treasure those family associations with food, there is another side to the metaphorical side of the coin. I was raised in an “ingredients only household,” and my mom was always dieting. The term that is now used is “Almond Mom” (feel free to look it up on TikTok), and though I know my mother’s intentions were to raise us happy and healthy, and she accomplished that in many ways, I took away other messaging as well. There was never “junk food” and there were many things that were forbidden (white bread, for example). This is where my unhealthy/negative obsession started. It may or may not surprise you to hear that I was a bit of a rebel as a child and anything I was not allowed to do or have, I would find a way to have it. I may not have even been interested in something but not being able to have it made me want it that much more.
The second I could get my hands on junk food I would binge, feeling like I would need to take full advantage of the opportunity—because who knew when it would come again. I would look forward to going to certain friends’ houses and raiding their pantries with all the chips, snacks, cookies, etc. I would tell my friends how lucky they were that they could eat whatever they wanted … and I would be met by their confused blank stares. It was to the point where family members outside my immediate family would stock up on the snacks I liked when I would visit because they knew I was not normally allowed to have them.
This behavior continued on well into my adult life and I would begin the cycles of binge and then restrict. I have struggled to find the happy medium and to not look at food as the enemy. I struggle with feelings of guilt and shame when I am eating, and oftentimes feel like I am being judged when I am eating (because only “skinny” people are allowed to eat). I know this is a lie, but as you know, it is hard to unlearn things that run deep from our childhoods and the culture of our lives.
In an effort to try and heal my relationship with food, I stopped counting calories/macros as this had become an obsession as well. I was to the point of planning out what I was going to eat weeks in advance, and there was no room for flexibility. I would dread parties and was scared to deviate from my “plan” or would starve myself all day so that I could “save” all my calories for one big indulgent meal. This was obviously not sustainable and it was not healthy to have food occupy so much of my thought life. So I dropped all of it. I am unsure if this was ultimately the best way to go about things but I just needed it to stop.
It has been a few years since I deleted all my food tracking apps and programs. I try to have general rules for myself like focusing on eating three meals a day and trying to get more protein, but nothing that requires a lot of thought or decision making.
So what does all this have to do with going gluten and dairy free? I like to approach life through humor and I have made jokes about how eliminating these things from my diet is “my greatest fear”…and I would say that is mostly just for dramatic effect, but on some level it really is a major fear. I fear losing my freedom. I have tried really hard to eliminate food out of my internal dialogue, life, dismissing intrusive thoughts, and working to not be triggered by people making normal statements about food. I struggle with decision fatigue and the thought of needing to go back to planning and having to make constant decisions about what I am going to eat feels heavy right now.
To put it simply, I hate thinking about food – especially in the “you can’t have it” manner. I dislike every aspect of having to tell people that I am gluten and dairy free, and having to answer the inevitable questions of “why”. These are completely normal questions for people to have and I know their intent is from a place of curiosity, but I still feel like I have to defend and explain my choices. I don’t want to have the conversation because I know how triggering those have been for me in the past and can continue to be at times, and the last thing I want to do is inflict any of the pain I have experienced onto others.
My hope is this: to bring light into difficult conversations and to share that it is not easy. I don’t know what you have had to eliminate from your lifestyle, whether permanent or temporary, but whatever it is, I think we can agree that it takes a lot of effort.
I see you and honor the work you have put in. We really are all in this together, and thankfully do not have to do life alone. So I am doing the gluten and dairy free thing, kicking and screaming at times, but doing it nonetheless. I will be going GF/DF for the next 6-8 weeks (per Anya’s instruction). We will assess at that point how I’m feeling and if my symptoms have improved. And I will be honest with you…I am fully committed to doing the gluten and dairy free thing, kicking and screaming at times, but doing it nonetheless.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: trepidatiously moving forward, trying to remain optimistic.
Favorite moment from experience: Clients giving me amazing gluten and dairy free recommendations, and encouraging me on this journey!
Something I am currently loving: Sharing my hesitancy and being met with both kindness and support.
Part VII: Going Gluten and Dairy-Free (Part 2)
We’re back and I am still in my temporary gluten- and dairy-free trial. Am I loving it? No. Am I feeling better? Yes. Why does that annoy me? Let’s unpack together:
It annoys me to be feeling better because I know I will have to explore whether this will need to be a long-term/permanent change in my lifestyle. Like I have said in previous posts, I can no longer claim to be ignorant or ignore the obvious. Now, I can also make the argument that it could be the supplements and nothing more (and trust me, that is my hope). But we will find out when I implement gluten and dairy back into my life, and I will allow that to be a future Casey problem.
I have a great deal of fear when it comes to changing my lifestyle because in my mind, lifestyle becomes part of your identity. I do not want to be known as a “crunchy granola health fanatic” who won’t eat anything but what was grown in their own backyard and shames anyone for not eating exactly the way they do. I know that I am not this person, but asking for substitutions makes me feel this way. Again, I know I do not have to justify or give reason to anyone for what I am doing, but the pressure is there nonetheless.
I have been wrestling with why I am so bothered that I am feeling better when that is truly the goal. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that I am feeling better. It has lowered stress in many ways, and I like not fearing food and how it will make me feel. I had not realized how much stress and anxiety food had been causing me, not knowing whether something would make me feel bloated, have physical pain and discomfort, the constant worry and lack of control has been more draining than I realized. So why does feeling good feel wrong? Maybe it’s because now I know how it feels and am afraid to lose it? Or afraid of the changes, both short term and long term. I don’t have the answers right now but these are some working theories in my mind.
One of the most surprising things with my recent adjustments is how I have been able to recognize being full. I have always been jealous of intuitive eaters who can just stop before they are too full. I have always been in the camp of either not enough or too much. It is a sensation that I am not used to, but a welcome one, at that.
I have also had increased hunger signals, which is also something I thought was a myth. I absolutely get hangry and moments of “oh yea I’m hungry” but I do not usually have actual cues of knowing my body needs food soon. I am working on using these new “feelings” to think of food as fuel for my body and something to enjoy in that process. I am actively trying to ask myself the question “what will serve me best” and “what do I actually want” when listening to these cues.
I am still struggling with decision fatigue in this process. Having to plan and think more about food weighs heavily on me. This can look like me just not eating at all instead of making the “wrong” choice. I know that this is not a healthy approach and that if given a choice between not eating or eating a sandwich with gluten…I should eat the sandwich with gluten, but I struggle to want to do everything perfectly and to break my unhealthy cycle of “do it perfect or not at all.” I’m working on this and trying to extend grace to myself. Life is not black and white, and no one expects me to do this perfectly or even wants me to. I appreciate the approach Stevie and Anya have laid out for me, encouraging me to live my life and not rob myself of joy or experiences in order to follow protocol. But the flexibility with grace remains hard.
I will be going on vacation and visiting family soon, where I will have little control over what I am eating and will also want to indulge in foods I don’t normally have access to (favorite restaurants etc). I feel anxious about this upcoming trip, and that it will “ruin” all my progress and that I will struggle to get back on track…but I have appreciated being able to voice this to Stevie and Anya, and have been met with nothing but support. While I have anxiety about this trip, I also have curiosity of how I will feel when indulging and if it will be different than it has been in the past…so stay tuned for that.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: a little exhausted with the added decisions about food, and anxious about my upcoming trip.
Favorite moment from experience: feeling true hunger cues and feeling more in touch with what my body needs.
Something I am currently loving: discovering all the different types of goat cheese.
Part VIII: Hormones & Results of the ZRT Test
The good news is that there is bad news…
In this journey of bettering my overall health I knew that one of the focuses would be hormones. Over the last few years I have been in a steady decline of feeling worse, consistently lowering the bar of what my “normal” was and ignoring the gentle messages my body was giving me. It is hard for me to use the word ignore, so maybe dismissing would be a better word because overall that is a feeling I have become used to: feeling dismissed.
To explain where I am currently, I need to rewind a bit and offer some context on how I got here. I will do my best to keep things concise, but in my opinion, this is all relevant and confirms the fact that health issues do not manifest overnight.
I grew up in a “suck it up” household and was often dismissed when I would talk about how I was feeling both emotionally and physically. This started a pattern of not only dismissing myself, but also feeling like I could not bring up genuine concerns as it would be received as complaining or that I was being dramatic and too sensitive. Other people had “real” problems and me feeling “off” was not one of them.
One of the ways I felt “off” started in high school. I remember making a statement to a friend, something along the lines of “you know how you black out every time you stand up”… I was met with a concerned look and her replying “yea that’s not a normal thing.” I finally brought this up to my parents/doctors and was put on medication of some kind. I do not remember the details or any conversations of how long I would be on this medication but was told that I had low adrenal levels and that this medication would solve that. I stopped blacking out and carried on with my life. At some point I stopped taking that medication (probably when I went off to college) but then we had to address alleviating severe period symptoms.
On that note: I had no idea that period symptoms of any kind were not considered normal and that periods are not meant to be extremely painful. For as long as I can remember I would start having symptoms two weeks before my period would even start and would experience painful cramping to the point of needing to lay down. I thought this was how periods were for everyone and that this was just my lot in life as a woman. I would “power through” (as I was supposed to) by taking an unreasonable amount of Advil and would not say anything so that I wouldn’t be considered a wimp about it all. I was also experiencing what I would describe as debilitating acne. Painful cystic acne affected my self esteem and self worth, feeling the shame of needing to cover it up like it was a secret and trying everything under the sun (both topically and with medication) to clear the neverending breakouts. I was put on Accutane twice and only saw temporary relief before the acne would creep back.
I was then put on the pill. It was presented to me as the solution to all of my problems, and honestly for a while it was just that. I had clear skin for the first time in my life and did not even have to have a period at all. This felt like the answer I was always searching for, and for a few years I carried on loving my new lease on life.
Fast forward to 2019 when I started having unwanted symptoms from being on the pill and started doing research on why this may not be the best option for me. I also became aware that the pill was not actually solving any of my problems, just masking the symptoms and that the second I came off the pill, all the problems would still be there. In an effort to get to the source of what was causing all of my hormonal issues, I went cold turkey off the pill. I will not pretend to know if this was the right choice or not, but this is what I did.
I experienced post-pill Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), the acne was back, and bonus–my hair started falling out. With no one to guide me, I relied on my former learning: “suck it up” until my body was able to self-regulate back to whatever my new normal was. After about two years my acne came to a less extreme place where I would only break out around my period and eventually my hair started growing back in. Maybe I was just trying to focus on these small positives and settling for “this is as good as it gets” while ignoring the other major symptoms that were still very much present.
If we can just pause for a moment–I feel that I have not accurately described to the people in my life the magnitude of just how badly I have been feeling the last few years. The most that I have said is that I am just tired all the time and that I don’t sleep as well as I used to. I have not mentioned that it is more than just being tired, it is a total lack of energy to the point of strategizing how I will use the limited amount of energy I have so that I still come across as a functioning adult. Or how I have been eating healthier than I ever have, but continue to pile on weight in an uncontrollable and confusing manner. That when I would try to do workouts, instead of feeling energized afterwards, I would immediately feel exhausted to the point of not being able to stay awake, and would have to sleep for hours to recover. Or how I had the desire to do things that I normally enjoyed, but could not bring myself to do them because it would “cost me too much energy.” I have been dismissing and shaming myself for feeling this way, blaming it on being stressed, being out of shape, or telling myself that I was just lazy and needed to suck it up.
I believe that I am not alone in the “suck it up” messaging I received growing up, and that this is part of the reason why we all ignore what we know is not right and dismiss ourselves for wanting more. The reality is though, I deserve more and so do you. If I can stand on a soap box for even just a second, it would be to say “do not discredit yourself, listen to your intuition, and trust that you know when something is off.” I am not going to indulge in the “what if” and “if only” statements of wishing I had addressed all of this sooner. I know that I would still not be addressing these things, and that the only reason I am is because Companion Health has asked the questions and has not dismissed a single thing I have told them. I have had the safety and space to say out loud the things I have only said to myself and have been met with empathy every time.
Let’s go back to my statement of “the good news is that there’s bad news” and to offer an explanation on why I gave you a brief history on my hormones/adrenal issues. I got my ZRT results back, and they are not great. While this offers an explanation and validation of why I have been feeling so bad, I feel overwhelmed at that validation. None of this has been in my head or an over-exaggeration. I am not dramatic or lazy. I am truly exhausted and do not have the energy or internal resources to continue on the way I have.
Stay tuned for my next post when I will dive into the specific levels that need to be addressed and the plan moving forward. But for now, I am still processing and I wanted to paint a full picture in an effort to practice my commitment to vulnerability and transparency. And the good news is, we have some answers and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Overwhelmed with functional diagnostic testing results and a little nervous talking about both my past and present issues.
Favorite moment from experience: being offered affirmation, empathy, and support while processing through my feelings.
Something I am currently loving: Knowing that I am not alone and do not have to figure everything out on my own.
Part IX: My Hormone Test Results (Part 2): Low cortisol & adrenal dysfunction
The good news is we have some answers, the bad news is that there’s bad news. I was not at all shocked to hear that my hormone levels were off as I have had a feeling this was the case for a long time. What I was shocked to hear was how off they were and that my adrenal levels and cortisol are low. I don’t know about you but when I heard that cortisol is low, I assumed that was a good thing meaning “low stress”. This is not the case. To my understanding this means my body is not handling/can’t handle stress because it is not producing enough cortisol. I know that I have been in a constant state of stress since 2020 because of life circumstances that have always been underlining and I believe magnified by the global pandemic we all experienced. Most people in my life would describe me as chill or easy going as I do not typically display signs of stress outwardly. I however would describe myself as a duck. Seemingly calm and collected from the outside view as I’m floating on water, but underneath the surface am paddling water in an ever anxious state. It is difficult for me to turn my brain off and I am always thinking about everything all the time.
I feel at times as if I were bred for stress. With the inability to turn my brain off and to be constantly thinking: “what ifs,” things I should do, my problems, other people’s problems, and my favorite; worst case scenarios are constantly plaguing my mind. I feel the need to always be prepared for the worst and do not like it when I am thrown into a situation that I did not anticipate because I can usually anticipate the worst case scenario. This has been a coping mechanism for most of my life but over the last few years I have seen how this has taken a toll on me and is no longer serving me well. We cannot predict everything and it is prideful for me to believe that I can. I bring up stress because this is one of the main points Anya went over with me on how my number one priority at this moment needs to be releasing stress.
Being told I need to be less stressed feels like someone asking me to change my entire personality. I have been operating in this state for so long that I don’t even know where to begin. Anya and I discussed how I need to prioritize rest and that if I am feeling guilt or shame while resting…then the rest does not count. Again, this feels like I am being asked to change who I am as a person but the hard reality is, this is not who I am, but it is who I have allowed myself to become. Because my cortisol and adrenal levels are low (as indicated from the functional diagnostic testing), this is my body’s way of telling me to take a literal chill pill and that I can not continue on this way.
Low cortisol and adrenal levels (as identified by functional diagnostic testing) are affecting my hormone levels, which will need to be treated with hormone therapy. As you know, I am not a medical professional so I will let the experts be experts and will have Anya explain why this is, and the plan of action moving forward:
“While Casey’s cortisol levels were low, this is actually a coping mechanism by her brain and body. Initially, in periods of high stress, cortisol levels rise and stay elevated throughout the day. Cortisol is designed to allow the body to adapt to the periods of higher stress, and in turn, higher metabolic demands. However, when it stays chronically elevated, it can wreak havoc on other systems and hormones in the body; so the brain tells the adrenal glands to chill out and stop producing as much. This is the case with Casey.
The goal in these situations is to decrease all types of stressors (as much as possible) so that the brain and body can calm down and recognize that everything will be okay. We are doing some adrenal adaptogenic herbs, which will allow her body to adapt to stressors better while she focuses on managing her day-to-day stressors. We will also be giving her some progesterone to help supplement her low levels. This will offset some of the higher estrogen symptoms she has.”
So what is my role in all of this? How am I going to eliminate the stressors in my life? How will I identify the top priorities of what needs to change immediately? How long until I feel better? Will this adrenal issue be a forever thing? These thoughts (along with many others) are what have been running through my mind since hearing my ZRT results. The one thing that is relieving these anxious thought patterns is the fact that I do not need to have all the answers right now and that I do not have to do this alone. This is the beauty of the system that Companion Health has created. Not only do I have the support of an amazing provider (shout out to Anya) but I also have a health coach (shout out to Stevie) to walk alongside me and assist me in implementing these very important lifestyle changes that need to happen. Again, I have been met with empathy and have been affirmed in my concerns. The validation that all of my symptoms are real, that they have a source, and that I am not “crazy” has been weight lifting.
This has also further opened my eyes to the flaws in our healthcare system because all my basic labs at my initial assessment did not raise any red flags, and if I were anywhere else I would have been dismissed and told that there is nothing wrong when there actually IS something wrong. It scares me to think about where I would be in six months to a year if we were not addressing these things now, and I am beyond grateful that is not a worst case scenario I have to prepare myself for.
I will leave you with the following mantras that I am trying to replace my anxious thoughts with in an effort to release stress:
“We are meant to thrive, not just survive.”
“Stress is not a badge of honor.”
“You need to take care of yourself before you take care of others.”
“You do not have to earn rest.”
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Stressed, overwhelmed, and relieved to have answers.
Favorite moment from experience: being given permission to rest.
Something I am currently loving: clients at Companion Health reaching out and encouraging me :)
Part X: Whoop There it I
Everytime I hear the word “Whoop,” the song Whoomp! (There it is) by Tag Team immediately goes off in my head, and since we are all in this together, I figure we should all have the same song stuck in our heads.
So why Whoop? I’ve never worn an Apple Watch, Fitbit, Oura Ring, etc. I’ve never really been interested in tracking specific fitness goals (partly because it can be triggering for me), and I have at times scoffed when people freak out over forgetting to log a workout. The obsession has never hit me. The only time I have ever been interested in tracking steps is when I am traveling/exploring a new city and am truly curious how many miles I walked that day. Other than that, I have been content to base things off of how I am feeling, which if you recall, I haven’t been feeling great.
When I was asked if I would be willing to wear a bracelet that would track my every move, I hesitated. Not only was I worried that this could be a constant trigger for me, but I was also overwhelmed by everything Whoop is capable of tracking. What I was most intrigued by, though, was the possibility of learning more about my sleep patterns, strain levels, recovery, and stress. Again, being confronted with no longer being able to claim ignorance is hard for me, but I do believe that information is power and having actual data to reflect back on would be interesting.
My baby steps implementing Whoop of course started with finding a band that would fit with my aesthetic, because at the end of the day, it’s all about the fashion/look for me. The idea of never taking something off was hard to get used to at first, but as with all things I adjusted and have accepted the bracelet tan line. My other self implemented baby steps were to concentrate on one thing at a time. It is both amazing and overwhelming the amount of data that can be collected, and I needed to remind myself of my first chat with Stevie “1% better everyday.” So I chose my first area of concentration, the big one—sleep.
Years ago I would have probably bragged about how I was a great sleeper. I could fall asleep anywhere quickly and felt rested most of the time. In the last few years though, I have struggled with turning my brain off at night and waking up feeling like I barely slept at all. No matter how early I went to bed or if I allowed myself to sleep in on the weekends, it never felt like enough, and I experienced brain fog, trouble concentrating, clumsiness, and feeling scattered. And if I am being transparent, the more tired I am, the more emotional I become, emotional in the sense that simple tasks feel abnormally difficult and I take everything more personally than I should. Obviously this is not a great way to be operating in life, and if I have learned anything while being at Companion Health, it’s that sleep is a big deal.
When I first set up my Whoop, I decided to live my normal life for two weeks and see what it said about my average sleep patterns. Spoiler alert: my sleep was not good. The average amount of sleep I had been getting was about 5-6 hours per night. This is not ideal and I was surprised by that low number. I thought I had been prioritizing sleep, but as I am learning, just because you slept doesn’t mean it was restorative. I also lacked a consistent sleep schedule and was all over the place on when I would go to bed and wake up. I had relied too heavily on “catching up” on the weekends, and found out that my so-called catch up wasn’t even happening. This was the most jarring news to me. I had been operating on a false sense of catch up and shouldn’t have to rely on the weekend in the first place.
Overhauling my sleep routine is an ever-evolving process. Picking a consistent bedtime is definitely one of the most difficult changes. Between work, my social calendar, weekends and traveling, there is little consistency in my schedule. I have committed to trying my best to stick to a bed time during the week and starting the wind down process earlier. I am guilty of getting in bed when I am supposed to and then doom scrolling on my phone for an hour (not great for shutting off the brain). But just the act of getting myself ready for bed earlier has been a game changer for me. It has made me aware of the control I do have and that my days are drastically affected by the amount of sleep I have gotten; therefore, I essentially have control over how I will feel the next morning and that is proving to be motivating.
As it turns out, it is pretty cool to have the data to look at and help predict what my body needs at the time. I had never considered that a “fitness tracker” could be more encompassing and that it could assist with interpreting what is best for your general recovery. I know that Whoop is so much more than a sleep tracker, but for now, that is what it is for me.
My hope is that I will be the person who does not even bring their phone into the bedroom, has an old-school alarm clock, and sleeps eight hours every night … but as I said, baby steps. My next goal will be to eliminate the doom scrolling and replace that with the large stack of unread books on my nightstand. Wish me luck!
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Concerned that I’ve not gotten a good night of sleep since 2020(!)
Favorite moment from experience: Feeling like I’m one of the cool Companion Health kids wearing my Whoop bracelet.
Something I am currently loving: Knowing what kind of day I can prepare for based on my sleep.
Part XI: Casey’s Review of The Whoop Strap Continues
For those of you who have been following along, yes I still have a large stack of unread books on my nightstand, but only because I have bought more books (it’s a problem I have–to be discussed another time). But the good news is that I am getting through them by making reading part of my bedtime routine. I have also added accountability by joining a book club, but the larger accountability factor has still been Whoop.
Learning and seeing how certain habits, actions, and choices affect how I feel has been fundamentally mind blowing to me. I think for a long time I did not understand why some people could become so disciplined and religious to their routine, rarely making exceptions and content to “miss out” on things in order to keep their routine. I admit that I have been judgemental of these people at times, accusing them of being rigid, inflexible, or just “not fun.” But as with most things in life, I did not know what I did not know, and now I realize … I owe all those people an apology. Don’t get me wrong, I most certainly am not doing my bedtime routine perfectly every night, but I have been approaching it with a different attitude. My mindset has shifted from “I have to” to “I need to” which may not seem all that different, but the motivation behind the words are.
I have to vs I need to. As someone who struggles to prioritize their needs, initially “I have to” is what would get me by. For most of my life I have been externally motivated. This has looked like not wanting to let people down, fake-it-till-you-make-it, people pleasing, or wanting to come across a certain way to others. I’m not saying any of these are bad motivators, but they had very little to do with me and what I wanted or needed. Switching to an “I need to” has put the focus back on me and making my needs the priority—those needs being rest, sleep, and stress management. The accountability that Whoop has offered me in this realm has been surprising. It’s easy to say “I have to go to bed early tonight” and then just not doing it vs “I need to go to bed early tonight” and having the literal data to back that need up.
There is no longer “hearsay” or theories but actual proof of how my routine affects my day-to-day health. This is motivating to me, and not only the justification of sticking to something but also the justification of saying no. I am not just talking about saying no to people, but learning to say no to myself. The accountability of building up trust with myself again—that when I say I am going to do something for myself, I will actually do it.
I feel we do not talk enough about how building trust with ourselves is a key to truly taking care of ourselves. Believing that we are the priority means that our needs deserve to be met, especially by ourselves. Because at the end of the day, your relationship with yourself is the one that counts the most. If you are not going to prioritize yourself … who will? If you are not going to meet your needs … who will? Sure, there are ways others can assist in taking care of us, but ultimately the choice falls on us. If we don’t have a good track record of doing that, it becomes less and less of a priority meaning you yourself become less of a priority.
I consider myself a reliable and trustworthy person, but when it comes to keeping promises to myself, it has always been “optional.” If I do all the other things people need me to do, only THEN will I do the thing I need to do for myself. This leads to burnout and resentment towards others but ultimately towards myself for my inability to prioritize what I need and for burning the candle at both ends. Accountability has assisted me in building trust that my needs are important and deserve my best attention, not the leftovers of whatever I can scrounge up. Does accountability prompt an eye roll when a sleep reminder goes off at 7:30 PM because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before? Yes. But it’s hard to ignore the real-time data on how everyday routine life choices affect me.
As I was reflecting on the benefits Whoop has brought into my life, I didn’t expect increased self trust and accountability to make the list. I truly thought that this would be just one more thing to charge and was annoyed with having to wear it all the time. And like I’ve mentioned before, a hyper-crunchy granola fitness person who obsessively wears a fitness tracker is not who I’m aiming to be. But the awareness this has brought me is hard to ignore and has been fascinating as well. I have a lot more control with my routine than I realized, and that has given me a feeling of optimism towards the role I play in how I feel. I can trust myself to prioritize my needs and the biggest takeaway is—they are needs, and my needs are not optional.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: Proud of the work I have put in towards self trust.
Favorite moment from experience: Having a full two weeks under my belt of consistent sleep.
Something I am currently loving: Saying no.
Part XII: The 6-Month Check-in
A 6-Month Check in at a concierge functional medicine clinic is very different than your typical check-in at a conventional practice
The 6-month check in … it is hard for me to believe that I have been on my functional medicine journey for half of a year. Time is funny sometimes in the sense that it feels like I just got started, but it also feels like I have been doing this for a much longer time. I believe it feels like I have been on this health journey for much longer because I already feel disconnected from who I was 6 months ago. I feel disconnected from that version of myself because there has been an internal shift in my thinking and how I have been operating. For the first time in my life, I have been consistently prioritizing myself and have not been apologizing for doing so. I have joked that I am in my “selfish era” but it is not selfish to take care of myself first. When you fly on an airplane, the explicit instructions in case of an emergency are to put your mask on first before helping others. I believe the same principle applies to life.
I have never been the top priority in my life, and I have always placed others’ needs before my own. This seems altruistic and sometimes the intentions were pure, but for the most part this has been because of my need to feel needed. I have placed all my value on what I can do for others and the role I play in their lives. If someone else did not see value in me or need me, then I was not of value. I have been trying to earn love by being perfect for everyone else for as long as I can remember. I have placed others’ opinions of me before my own, and built not only my self worth around that, but my entire identity. My entire identity has been built on how I am a “great friend” – dependable, always available, will drop everything for you, cheerleader, always there type of friend. Don’t believe me? Say that to the 13 bridesmaid dresses hanging in my closet.
Being everyone’s best friend but not a friend to myself just isn’t working anymore. It has brought me to a place of burnout and resentment, and it is the underlying stress that I cannot get rid of. I have tried many times in my life to set boundaries with others but end up giving in due to guilt and shame. Again, if my entire self worth and identity is wrapped up in how others view me…then saying no to take care of myself seems selfish, or worst of all, that I am a disappointment for not living up to the unattainable expectation I have placed upon myself to always be there for everyone. No wonder I am stressed.
When it was brought to my attention that we are at the 6-month mark into my wellness journey, it filled me with a sense of panic. Yes, I was able to reflect on the positive changes that have happened, those things being: a healthy gut, intentional eating, consistent sleep, weight loss, less brain fog, improved period symptoms, and being able to rest without shame. These have been massive improvements to my life and it is easy for me to see the positive results. What filled me with panic though was the thought of pressure. Pressure to continue to have results and not disappoint people.
I have been feeling down the last month or so because I believe I have reached my biggest hurdle of all, the stress. For months Anya and Stevie have been working with me on how to eliminate stress from all aspects of my life, layer by layer. However, if I am being honest I have been dancing around the true source of my stress this entire time. My stress is entirely self- induced with my need to maintain my perfectly curated identity of others first. Sure, I have been saying no a lot more than I used to but with the caveat of the no’s being temporary. But I know that if I never want to return to this low point of health that I have been living in for the last few years, the no’s need to be permanent. I am not saying that I will never be there for people in my life again, but me being there will look different.
I feel like I have been in a mourning phase of losing “myself” and my identity. If I am not everyone’s best friend, constantly bending over backwards for others, and always being there…who am I? I am not trying to bring you down with my existential crisis, but I want to acknowledge how hard it is to evolve sometimes, even when you know it is for the best. It is hard to let go of who you have been to become who you want to be. It is uncomfortable. There will be push back, slip ups, and questioning of whether or not you are actually doing the right thing. But if I have learned anything in the last 6 months, it’s that what was “working” in the past is no longer serving me, and that at times “right” will feel backwards or “wrong.” There will be moments of doubt, setbacks, and defeat – but in the end it feels so much better to try, than it does to sit in the same cycle wondering what would happen if I tried to break free.
I have written several versions of this particular blog post with the intention of only highlighting the positives that have come along over the last 6 months. I wholeheartedly want to acknowledge the victories because they are a big deal to me, and I am proud of the effort I have put in. Like, really proud. As you know though, I have promised myself (and you) that I will be transparent throughout this entire process. I knew if I wrote a piece only showing positive end results that I would feel like a fraud, that I was withholding part of my truth. But a victory in this functional medicine journey is that I am not submitting the rainbow butterfly piece that I believe everyone wants from me. I am giving what I want to give, what feels authentic to me. This is a “me” I am just getting to know and a “me” that will be disappointing some people in my life who have benefited from my lack of self worth and boundaries. I’m not going to lie- that sucks. But it is also good. How? Because in order to truly eliminate stress from my life, I need to know who truly supports me versus those who have me in their lives because I do things for them.
This 6-month check in was the reality check I needed to keep my eye on the prize and to continue the hard work. I can be both proud of how far I have come and still want more progress. I am allowed to be disappointed that I am not as far along as I would like in some areas, and I need to acknowledge that so that I (with ALL the help at Companion Health) can continue to move forward.
To refresh, at the half-year mark my ultimate goal remains the same: pursuing health in all aspects, mind, body, and spirit. To be at peace within myself, gain back self-trust, and ultimately show myself the love that I give to others, and deserve to feel towards myself. To conquer the fear of trying or looking stupid, and being scared but doing it anyways. To look at myself in the mirror and know that I can confidently say I am giving my all and not settling for less.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: nervous about how my not so positive 6-month review will be received.
Favorite moment from experience: getting to reflect on the areas where there has been a lot of improvement, improvement that 6 months ago I did not feel was possible.
Something I am currently loving: meeting and being my authentic self.
Part XIII: Updates From Casey’s Provider and Health Coach
The following is a continuation of Casey’s Journey to Wellness, but this post includes a different spin. It includes input from both Casey’s provider (Anya Wallace PA-C) as well as her health coach, Stevie Bruce.
At Companion Health, our concierge medical services include a team approach to wellness: this includes the provider and the health coach, with the client in the center (all of this which is symbolized in our logo with the three overlapping leaves). The below should give good context to what her care team is doing in the background to help guide her towards best health.
Stevie Bruce, Health Coach
When I agreed to coach Casey I wanted to make sure that I implemented solid boundaries and that our co-worker relationship would be separate from our coaching relationship. Because we work in the same office, I try to be very intentional about when I put my “coaching” hat on and make sure Casey knows that our session time is all about her and her journey.
Casey has made it very easy for me to coach her. In addition to simply showing up, she has opened up and really searched herself for areas of improvement. Over the past few months, I have really seen significant transformation.
We began with goals such as gluten-free and dairy-free eating, focusing on sleep, and prioritizing things that bring her life joy and reduce stress. In a lot of ways those were the “easy” goals for Casey because her current goal, being at peace with herself, is a harder quest than most of us realize. It has been incredible to watch her learn that she is enough just the way she is. We joke frequently about the fact that “no” is a complete sentence, and that sometimes it is necessary to say no to things when your body needs rest.
This journey with Casey has been so much more than just a quest for physical health. I have watched her become less stress
ed and more content with who she is and especially in the role she plays in the lives of others.
Anya Wallace, PA-C:
When Casey and I met for her initial assessment, we went through her health history and discussed the issues that were at the forefront of her mind in regards to bettering her health. Some areas that she wanted to address were hormone balance, stress management to improve adrenal health, and joint pain that she was experiencing. As we worked our way through sessions (with me and also with Stevie), deeper issues began to arise that needed to be addressed in order for her to achieve her primary goals. This is not uncommon. So often we have our minds set on one or two particular goals until we realize–often with the help of a professional–that there is more to the picture. In Casey’s case, we took this one step at a time (being mindful of not adding to her stress). The good news—she’s been able to tackle these challenges with success, and she’s also been able to make the necessary lifestyle and nutritional changes to better improve her overall health.
While Casey may not be where she wants to ultimately be, she has made great strides in setting the foundation for a better, healthier future. I suspect that in the next 3-6 months, her other health goals will seem less daunting and she will see continued success both mentally and physically.
Part XIV: Setting Updated Health Goals
As I sat down to consider updated health goals, a few things became apparent: While my overall purpose and goal remains the same, I have been feeling the need to do a refresh on what my focus should be on.
I feel like I have fallen back onto the conveyor belt of life and have just been going through the motions. Unfortunately, this is my default setting when I feel overwhelmed. I numb out, have a negative outlook, and dissociate. Instead of dealing…I just don’t deal at all. I have been told this is part of my perfectionism problem in that you can’t fail if you don’t try, and trying feels like a lot right now.
I am unsure if my continued lack of energy is due to not fully implementing lifestyle changes or just seasonal depression. And while I wish I was in charge of daylight savings … I am not. So the thing I do have control over is lifestyle changes, and I believe it is time for a shift in focus.
All of this said, here are my updated health goals:
Goal 1: Boundaries. I feel like I have tried to implement boundaries when I am in a reactive state instead of thinking about the present or future. Instead, I’d like to be more proactive and I would like to be more thoughtful in my responses to people, to take in what is happening now, and determine how I can use this information to shape the future I am working towards. I am relearning that boundaries are an invitation for connection not harsh ultimatums.
Goal 2: Back to basics. I have gotten wishy-washy with my routine and have fallen back into some old bad habits (hello revenge bedtime). Backslides are understandable when life gets busy, but I have overused this as an excuse. I need to remind myself that I feel better when I am properly taking care of myself, not just doing the bare minimum. These basics look like: going to bed on time without my phone, packing my lunch the night before, waking up earlier so I don’t feel rushed, and getting more protein in my breakfast. While none of these things are monumental lifestyle changes, they make a difference, and I want these things to be my default setting and something to build upon more.
Goal 3: Look for joy. I have been in a negative mindstate for probably longer than I realize. I am naturally wired to be a pessimistic person and I have been feeling myself fall back into a hypervigilant state, which is absolutely not helping my stress levels. Always looking for something to go wrong with the justification of “I just want to be prepared” is draining me.
I am trying to shift my attitude to have a more positive outlook and to look for joy in the little things. I have been allowing my overwhelm and bad attitude to interfere with everything I do, and this, I believe, costs me more energy in the long run, as opposed to doing everything with a posture of joy. I am by no means saying that I will be singing and laughing while I do dishes or any other mundane task. But I need to shift my focus to the positive and allow for the opportunity to see and experience more. I believe that if you are looking for something you will find it, whether positive or negative. And to put it simply, it sounds so much more fun to look for the good things in life, and I could use some fun!
Goal 4: Be more future-minded. I struggle to plan, envision, and dream of the future. I have been in a reactive state for most of my life, and this has left little room for dreaming. It is easy for me to support others’ visions and dreams, and I get excited to be a part of something bigger than myself. This is something that genuinely brings me joy, but I need to have plans and dreams of my own to be working towards. This could be as simple as booking trips to go on or ultimately digging deeper to find my true purpose in life (woof that is a big one). But for now my focus is on planning things to look forward to that will get me out of the hamster wheel that is everyday life.
Wish me luck–I’ll be sure to keep you posted.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: excited to have direction with my updated goals.
Favorite moment from experience: being met where I am at by clients and friends and taking comfort in the fact that we are not alone.
Something I am currently loving: sitting in my kitchen looking out the window as I write this with my cat asleep in my lap (an ordinary moment that brings me joy).
Part XV: When Life Has Other Plans
I was feeling optimistic and like I had some new wind in my sails. I was feeling motivated after my 6-month check-in and was eager to continue on with the hard work and my updated goals. Then life happened.
I won’t bore you with the mundane details of my everyday life problems, but for the last two months I have felt like I could not catch a break. Whether it be an issue with my pets, car, family, apartment, appliances, etc. – whatever could go wrong, went wrong. Then we threw in the normal holiday stress and then I got sick with a virus…twice! I was all but ready to throw in the towel.
I was feeling helpless about my stress levels and total lack of control (reminder: control is my drug of choice). I was feeling reactive.
I want to expand more on what I mean by reactive. I don’t mean reactive in the sense that I was ready to go off on someone at any time (though there were moments of that–I’m looking at you car shop). I mean reactive in that I was constantly having to be on the defense and that instead of planning life, I was just reacting to whatever the next thing was. This, in a nutshell, is stress.
Initially I kept powering through, telling myself “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything is fine” (insert meme of cartoon dog burning in a fire). I reverted back to some old coping behaviors— numb out, be a martyr, push through, not check in on myself, not feel my feelings, and put myself back on autopilot. But now that things have smoothed out some, I have been trying to reflect on why it is so easy for me to fall back into this pattern despite so much work to not do so.
I say this next part with the caveat of I am in no way blaming my coping mechanisms on other people, but I would like to take into consideration how other people’s actions affect me: Whenever I am going through it or acting on autopilot, I am often greeted with the following statements: “I don’t know how you do it;” “you’re so independent;” “I love that I don’t have to worry about you;” “you’re so resilient.” Huge sigh – these comments, though coming from a genuine place, feed my bad behavior. This feels like the unspoken expectation that I am not allowed to have needs, I am not allowed to fall apart, and I better continue to have it together since that is what is expected of me.
It feels like a slammed door in my face when I confess everything that is going on in a last ditch effort to let people in, and to then be greeted with the resiliency badge.
I mention this not to put full responsibility on others to care for the people in their lives, but instead to give the gentle message to look out for the i.n.d.e.p.e.n.d.e.n.t. people. They not only need the help, but they need it the most (because they suck at asking for it). It took everything in me not to put quotation marks around the word strong, not because I’m not strong, but my urge is to downplay, to scoff and say that it’s all no biggie. It is the biggest biggie, or at least it is for me. I have to get better at not just asking for help, but first of all admitting that I do. I need to simply admit that things are crazy, I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t know what I need.
I am learning that it is okay to take up space and to let people listen to what is going on in my life without feeling like I’m a burden or bumming them out.
Life cannot be perfect all the time and the circumstances will not always be ideal when working towards your goals.
With the start of the new year, I had cute plans of doing a little gut reset, making a vision board, and having a peaceful and intentional start to 2024. In short, life just happens sometimes. So instead, I’ve spent most of 2024 hacking up a lung like a 2 pack-a-day smoker and those cute plans are just not it right now. Will I do my planned gut reset soon? Yes! Did I make a digital vision board instead of the hand crafted one I envisioned? Yes! Will I be having a peaceful and intentional start to 2024? Turns out we’re starting with the intention to create a peaceful 2024 but, yes!
A quote I often hear is “Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.” While I think it is great to strive for perfect execution of your goals, I am learning to remain flexible. Things will not go as planned, you may achieve the goal but not in the way you originally imagined, or you may even decide that you don’t want to reach that goal at all and go in a different direction. Whatever it may be – I want to learn to be less rigid and allow room for margins. Goals do not have to be accomplished immediately. As my health coach reminded me, take care of yourself in the midst of the chaos of life (especially during the chaos), and give yourself grace for handling everything the best you could at the time.
While my reactive state was thankfully temporary, it reminded me of how I have always treated my health: reactively. Health is wealth and I want to keep investing in it. I can’t help the circumstances of life and sometimes things are just out of our control. But what I know is that before all of this (this being my health journey) I would probably still be spiraling in the chaos. Instead this will be a blip on the map of life. And for that I am thankful.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: A little overwhelmed, a little raw, and very grateful to be breathing out of both nostrils again.
Favorite moment from experience: I had a dear friend tell me “you constantly show up and care for others, and we are all just looking for opportunities to do the same for you. Let us love you back, and stop robbing us of the joy of being able to show up for you.”
Something I am currently loving: drinking bone broth and making Starbucks “Medicine Balls” at home to sip on (IYKYK).
Part XVI: Ending But Just Beginning
I have thought a lot about my final post. But I don’t mean that I have had the whole thing all planned out and that it will all wrap up beautifully with a full circle neat and tidy bow. Instead, I have been thinking about how this is truly just the beginning for me (and for you, too).
Health is a journey and not a final destination. There are goals and markers to note progress and victories had, but there isn’t a final grade to achieve or an end to make it to.
So here’s where I am: The biggest future goal for my health is to be in maintenance mode, understanding there will be adjustments to be made as needed. We should all be growing and evolving as people, and I personally do not plan to stop evolving. But I do plan to not have health be such a focus in my life–when that will be I’m not sure–but the point is that I am working towards that. I am working towards taking care of myself being the default setting, and anything else added to that is a bonus.
I’ve discovered that it is work to not be in maintenance mode. Making choices to take care of myself requires more effort and planning right now because it is not the default setting, but I can feel it becoming less of a conscious effort and there is also less resistance. These eases in resistance are what continues to give me hope. Moments like:
- no longer feeling guilty when I rest
- not feeling stressed about what to order at a restaurant
- not feeling shame for finishing a meal or not finishing a meal
- getting consistent sleep
- feeling confident acknowledging and stating my needs.
I have seen glimpses and glimmers of what could be, and it is empowering to pursue that.
I have started to crave what is good for me. When I start to falter to old default settings and fall off the course, I am brought back on because it is something that I want to do. I know now what does not serve me well. Although some things offer temporary satisfaction in the moment, choosing what is best for me overall will bring the ultimate rewards. I can now feel when I have let myself down, which may not seem like a positive, but for the first time in a long time I am accountable to myself and what I want. There isn’t shame in the disappointment anymore, but it is a quick reminder of the why, and to stay the course.
I feel more authentic and at rest within myself. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I still question myself and feel anxious, but I don’t feel as much pressure to people-please or seek outside validation. By putting less effort into making everyone else happy first, I have more time to heal.
This feeling of coming back to myself has probably been the most surprising thing to me on this health journey. While I know the mind, body, and spirit are connected, it is fascinating and a little awe-inspiring to see just how much. Who knew that working to alleviate physical symptoms would produce so much fruit in the emotional/spiritual realm of my life!
I have pride in the work that I have put in and the goals that have been met, and I also know that there is still a way to go. I do have to remind myself that it took me a long time to get here, and that healing takes time. I often think of my 3rd grade teacher’s motto: “If you don’t have time to do it right then you have time to do it again.” I want to continue to do things “right,” because life is short, and I do not want to have to do a major health overhaul again (ain’t nobody got time for that!).
It may sound strange, but I went into this blog writing experience with no expectations. I viewed this as a unique opportunity that would stretch me and put me out of my comfort zone. With full transparency, I admit to you now that I did not expect anyone to find much interest in my point of view and I thought I would be shut down within months (there goes that worse case scenario thinking again). I am humbled to acknowledge that this was not the case, and I am still overwhelmed with how that could be true. For those that have been following along this past year and who have reached out with encouragement and empathy, who have shared with me your similar experiences and stories–from my heart, I honor you and I thank you. What a gift to be seen, understood, and met where I am at. It is difficult to put into words how deeply these interactions have impacted me and how I hold them close. Again, I thank you.
Vulnerability and transparency. I promised myself (and you!) that I would hold those two words as my standard and guiding post, and I will continue to do so along the rest of my journey. With that being said, I now have an additional promise to make to you (and me): I promise to be a gentle voice of reason to others that feeling bad is not normal or something to accept. We all deserve to live full, joyful, challenging, and uniquely beautiful lives. I have seen how small changes become big changes and how taking one brave step in the right direction can change the narrative and trajectory of one’s life. While it is not my responsibility to change people or force them into what I think is best, it is my responsibility to be transparent and vulnerable with them. To speak hope and encouragement, to challenge the norm, and to share so that those around me know that they are not alone in their life experiences. This experience has shown me that we are all more connected than not, we do not have to do it alone, and life is better with support. There is a Ram Dass quote that I love on the shared experience we call life and it is this: “we’re all just walking each other home,” and I want to thank you for walking me home.
Summary/Check In:
Feelings this week: hopeful, relieved, and grateful.
Favorite moment from experience: having a thorough documentation of this past year of my life.
Something I am currently loving: sheet pan dinners and Reese Witherspoon’s Green Drink recipe
Something I won’t ever go back to: dismissing how I feel both physically and emotionally.
New behavior I never thought I’d adopt: Getting excited to give healthy recommendations to friends. I’ll admit it, I’ve gotten a little crunchy ;)
While Casey’s journaling of her experience is commencing with this post, her journey is just beginning and will continue! To contact or check in with Casey, feel free to email her at: [email protected].
And if you are inspired by Casey’s journey and would like to pursue your own health journey … we invite you to reach out to us and see if we are a good fit. As a reminder, our concierge functional medicine clinic is based in Charlotte, North Carolina. We do offer virtual visits, but we do not accept insurance.
About the Author: Companion Health
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